Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Are you safe?

Feeling safe. Isn't that an amazing feeling? I imagine that feeling safe is something that many people never have the opportunity to feel in their lifetime. It actually scares me to think of the possibility of never feeling safe. And when I think about that further, feeling safe is produced by something very different to each one of us. For example, I might feel safe because I have enough money in the bank to pay the bills and enjoy life a little. Someone else might think that feeling safe is having a solid relationship or having the ability to own a home.

I am driven in life to feel two different types of safe. The first one is the one that most of us desire, which is to feel the safety of love. We spend our lives trying to find love; feel it. More than anything we want to experience its passion, joy, frustration, humbling moments, connection with another. Some people will kill for love; others will run from it their whole lives. But me, I just want to feel safe in its arms. Feeling safe in love is something I’ve been blessed with. Not meeting true love of another until the ripe-old age of 29, I thought I would never find it. But that wasn’t without being hopeful. On the outside, I didn’t care, wasn’t looking. On the inside, I remained hopeful and kept an eye on the lookout, you know, just in case. (smile) And then without believing it would fall into my laps, it did. And it hasn’t left. Not that I haven’t done my best to scare it away through many lapses of judgment. But fortunately, love has remained and I continue to feel its safety.

The second type of safe I strive to feel is the safety of financial security. I don’t want to be rich. I don’t care to have an excessive amount of material wealth. I’m not into name brands...well, except for my purses...give me one thing, okay? For goodness sakes, I love shopping at consignment stores and won’t hesitate to buy an outfit from Target if I like it. I love flip-flops (2 for $5 at Old Navy, thank you very much) and would live life in comfy, cotton clothing if it were allowed. But to feel financially secure is important to me. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, which was in a very financially tight, yet well-provided-for environment, that led me to be this way. For some reason I have always worried that I wouldn’t have the money to cover my life expenditures. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed with the ability to feel financially secure but not without being reminded and humbled from time-to-time (and right now is a time of humble-reminding, unfortunately).

I am always reminded, by my wonderful life-partner, best friend and husband Carlos, that anything that can be bought or replaced with money is nothing to get worried sick over. I’m actually grateful for that reminder but if he wasn’t there to remind me, I might flip-out in a very mentally incapacitating way, which would only make things worse, of course. So while these two feelings of safety are important to me, I’m grateful that I have them in the correct order of importance.

Random thoughts of the day:

In the news this week we’ve seen stories of a missing child case going unsolved, a murder victim with a promising future and career found dead with her corpse hidden in the wall of a Yale University lab basement and the discovery of bones found on the property of a man who kidnapped, raped and imprisoned an 11-year old girl for 18 years. What disconnection did these people have? What emotional embolism could have occurred in the hearts and minds of these people that drove them to the darkest, most unforgiving parts of their souls? What safety could these perpetrators have missed in their lives?

My guess, it’s probably the safety of love. Whether it be parental, significant other or friendship love...somehow they probably never felt that true connection to the one safety we all desire. And how sad to know that some people never find it. And how grateful we should all be for having found it.

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